A Thin Girl Inside a Fat Chick!

Hi everyone!!! Let’s do some catching up I’ve had a pretty crazy couple of months.  I lost my aunt to cancer and my grandmother to old age about a month apart.  I’ve been struggling with pain so bad I thought a few times I was having a heart attack.  I kept bringing up and pushing the issue with my surgeon every time I went for a sleeve checkup.  Finally he ordered an ultrasound and I had gallstones.

Now let me tell you all a little something about gallstones, lots of people have them.  Lots of people walk around with them every day and they don’t even know they have them and they may never cause them any pain.  It’s when you start to have pain that you start having issues.  Apparently my gallstones started moving around and that’s what caused these attacks particularly when I ate a heavy or a fatty meal because your gallbladder helps in the digestion of those types of meals.  Apparently as per the doctor who did the surgery many bariatric patients have gallbladder problems after they have bariatric surgery.  They could have had stones prior to surgery and don’t know it but once they start rapidly loosing weight gallbladder problems can occur.  So on October 17th I became one organ lighter and I now have a Frankenbelly as I like to call it.  I will never be a swimsuit model…there goes that dream 🙄.

I have four incisions, 2 of which were from my sleeve surgery and the one under my right breast is currently still giving me some issues.   I get an occasional sharp pain there that’s apparently from an internal stitch which was placed so I don’t get a hernia.  Not going to lie the pain after this surgery was nothing like my sleeve.  I barely had any pain after my sleeve this pain was ridiculous!  I had gas pain up my right shoulder for days and I couldn’t figure out how to get in bed let alone how to sleep.  I gave my bed up for my parents so here’s my a** on all fours on the futon trying to figure out which way to turn that wasn’t going to hurt so I could lay down and sleep.  Then I couldn’t lay flat for a few days because it hurt so much so I slept elevated I was truly miserable, but I’ve had people tell me it was the best thing they ever did.  It has to be better then being in the bathroom feeling like you are going to die any moment.

Now that gallbladder surgery is out of the way the diet and exercise needs to get back on track.  I’m down 95 lbs but still have 50 to go.  I can totally do it just a matter of diet and exercise which I will keep you all updated about—-happy reading!!!

Hi everyone, I hope your summer so far has been a fantastic one.   I recently started school again for my second degree and being a student after 10 years is super scary and extremely stressful.  I have totally been tempted to eat anything and everything deep fried and covered in chocolate and maybe smothered with cheese, but I am now a butterfly and refuse to revert back to my caterpillar days.

So yes in the old days when my stress level was through the roof I would eat or I would go to the gym with my best friend and then go out to eat; which I might add completely defeats the purpose of going to the gym.  These days I can’t do that, mainly because overeating makes me physically sick and that’s not a good look for me.  With the stress of work, school and my personal life hanging over my head I’ve been taking a lot walks with Bella, who adores the exercise, plus I’ve been enjoying the nice weather and my front porch and just watching the world go by.  I had a pretty bad week not too long ago where I was sort of blah  and didn’t want to do anything let alone go to the gym so I didn’t which made me feel even more blah.  Exercise really does help the mood people who knew???!!!

So for those of you out there who used to deal with stress like I did and stuff your face what are your better options???  There’s a lot of places out there to find tips on how to manage your stress in a healthy fashion I found some good ones on the Anxiety and Depression Association of America some of them are very simple such as limiting caffeine and alcohol intake, getting enough sleep, and taking deep breaths, they also suggest getting enough exercise.  If you’re a stress eater like I used to be you need to distract yourself from eating.  Read a book, go for a walk, crochet knit anything to keep you out of that kitchen.  I’ve heard the suggestion to keep a food diary and I have tried that a few times I just can’t seem to keep up with that.  But the idea behind it is to write down what you’re eating, when you’re eating  it and how it makes you feel plus how hungry you are when you eat that food.  The hope is that you can see patterns behind your eating and be able to change it.  Easier said than done.  The other thing that’s essential if you’re a stress eater and a snacker you have to try to snack healthy or you’re going to defeat everything you worked so hard for.

I’m still in awe of those people who manage to loose 100 plus pounds on diet and exercise alone, but any way you choose to loose it takes discipline and hard work.  My sleeve is just a tool that helps motivate me to get to where I want to be.  Seeing change in my body has been motivation to keep up a healthy lifestyle.  Until next time happy reading…

Hi all today’s topic is not something I normally talk about, but in light of the recent suicides of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain, I feel the need as a human being and a healthcare professional to discuss depression and suicide.  Depression is way more common than anyone realizes.  I’m pretty sure I have battled, as have many of us, some form of it for years although mine is nothing compared to what plagues some people.  Let’s start with the basics what is depression?  According to the Mayo Clinic depression is a mood disorder causing persistent feelings of sadness and loss of interest.  “Clinical depression” or “Major depressive disorder” affects how one thinks, feels and behaves and can lead to many types of emotional and physical issues.  Many people who suffer from depression have feelings of hopelessness and that life is not worth living.

Many eating disorders and body image disorders go hand in hand with depression.  As per the DBSA (Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance) 50-75% of eating disorder patients (anorexia and bulimia) experience depression.  In fact one of the many symptoms of depression deals with weight gain and weight loss as well as increased or decreased appetite.  In my own bought with depression in my early 20s I remember never wanting to get out of bed.  I didn’t want to do anything, but at the same time I didn’t want anyone knowing that I may have a problem.  I was attending Montclair State University and I had early classes so I would literally drag my ass out of bed, and put on the act that I was going to class because both my parents would still be home when I left.  All I wanted to do was eat so I’d stop somewhere and pick something up to eat sit in the park and then go right home after that and inevitably miss a whole day’s worth of class.  I’d go home and pretty much spend the rest of the day eating and sleeping.  I honestly had no interest in doing much of anything at all.  And there would be times I would question my purpose for being here and times I would think maybe the world would be better off if I didn’t exist.  I don’t know what happened to cause me to look at things in a different light, as depression is not something you can just “snap out of.”  I did and still do have some good friends who were basically like WTF so I suppose a good support system in the sense was probably what caused me to feel not so despondent.  Jump to more recently during my presurgical psychological evaluation the psychologist said to me “you probably have some mild depression and if you are still feeling this way after surgery you may want to come back and see me.”  I never said much to this man so I don’t know how he diagnosed me with “mild depression” but I do believe he’s probably right although post surgery I’ve been feeling 100% better about myself so that’s helped the mood greatly.

And what’s with all the suicides lately?  Unfortunately the reality is that many people do not seek treatment, nor do they recognize they may need help.  The National Institute of  Mental Health lists some shocking statistics from the CDC’s (Centers for Disease Control) “WISQARS Leading Causes of Death Reports” for 2016, they are as follows:

“Suicide was the tenth leading cause of death overall in the United States, claiming the lives of nearly 45,000 people.”

“Suicide was the second leading cause of death among individuals between the ages of 10 and 34, and the fourth leading cause of death among individuals between the ages of 35-54.”

“There were more than twice as many suicides (44,965) in the United States as there were homicides (19,362).”

This last stat was the most shocking to me.  I know some of my sarcasm and humor is in poor taste so please forgive but what the heck we’re offing ourselves faster than other people are offing us and for what a lack of recognition of a greater problem.  People are suffering in silence and we as a population need to get with and not live our lives with blinders on.

Here’s some signs and symptoms to look out for regarding depression and suicide according to the Mayo Clinic:

Feelings of sadness, tearfulness, emptiness, or hopelessness, along with feelings of worthlessness and guilt, fixating on past failures or self-blame.

Anxiety, agitation, or restlessness as well as lack of sleep or sleeping too much.

Reduced appetite and weight loss or increased appetite or cravings for food and weight gain.

Lastly, frequent and recurrent thoughts of death, suicidal thoughts and/or attempts.

The above is just a short list of symptoms/warning signs for depression/suicide.  At this point you may be thinking “well what can I do if I need help or I know someone that may need help?”  First of all if you know someone who needs help and they want to talk listen to what they have to say.  I know for some people this can be difficult but just shut up and listen! After you listen let them know there are other places to turn to like the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline those people are professional listeners and I will list their phone number along with some other helpful links at the end of my post.

Finally I’m going to leave you with a story…I had a friend who fell stupidly and deeply in love with a man who definitely had a broken heart.  He had two small children from a previous relationship with a woman who past away.  We won’t get into how she past away it was just a sudden unexpected illness that somehow he blamed himself for.  He spoke to her a lot about it over the course of their relationship and she knew the mother of his children was definitely on a pedestal that she would never be tall enough to reach.  However when he said he wanted to marry her she accepted and she was thrilled, elated even the world was an amazing place for her to be in at that moment.  She just didn’t see it, his internal strife, the wound that had festered in his soul until he just couldn’t take it anymore.  She knew he blamed himself for his previous girlfriend’s death, she just didn’t know how much until one day she got an IM from his brother (yes this was back in the day) saying that he was missing and they found his truck but didn’t know where he was.  They eventually found him, he’d decided to just give up and shot himself out in nature where he liked to be.  And naturally my friend was devastated and to this day she blames herself for not recognizing his pain and wishes she had known about what I just told you all about.

Here’s a list of websites and phone numbers that may be helpful to you or someone you know that may be in need:

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255

The Mayo Clinic: www.mayoclinic.org (you can look up just about anything that ails you here.)

Suicide Prevention Resource Center: www.sprc.org

Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance (DBSA):

www. dpsalliance.org

National Mental Health Institution:

www.nimh.nih.gov

 

 

 

Hi all! A few days ago I had the pleasure of attending my nursing school alumni luncheon.  Honestly, I haven’t been to many this is maybe my 3rd since graduating, but it was my classes 10 yr reunion so naturally I had to go.  Yes I’m old I’ve been a nurse for 10 yrs! 😜.  In truth I was on the fence about going, but I put on my sexy pants, got up off my sofa and went.  I’m glad I did because where else would I get a chance to wear these pants and they’re fabulous by the way with a slit up the side that stops right above the knee.  Previous to my surgery never in a million years would I have worn pants like that or even paired a tank top with them, but I did and it looked great.

In all honestly everyone looked great, and I definitely went to school with a great group of people.  One of my former classmates also recently had gastric sleeve surgery, she told me she was 6 months out she looked amazing.  I was told I shouldn’t be too down on myself, but I can’t always help that.  Years of looking a certain way does something to a person.  In any case, the reunion was a good time everyone looked great and I got a boost to myself esteem.

On the exercise front I’ve started going to the Y I haven’t been going very long, but I make it a point to go every day I have off.  The scale hasn’t moved much, I just keep telling myself that muscle weighs more than fat.  Until next time, happy reading!

Hi all!! So AMC has this new show called Dietland based on the book by Sarai Walker.  I have not read the book, but the pilot episode…amazing!  I’m sure the book is just as stellar and one I’m putting on my list for sure.  Plum is like many “fat” women, and like me she says it’s ok she can call herself that.  Needless to say I can definitely relate to almost all the things she says and feels, and this is just the first episode.

“Doesn’t anyone tell you that you’re beautiful just as you are?”  Julia says this to Plum as she is applying lipstick and blush to Plum’s face and I’m sitting on the couch with my pooch, tears in my eyes shaking my head NO…  And this has been my experience for many years.  I was always the go to person for advice, or the girl to hook up with on the side, but never the girl to take home to mommy and daddy.  I know exactly how Plum feels when she speaks with the detective in the waiting area of her employer and he’s basically schmoozing her, and says almost exactly that she knows men like him will sleep with women like her, but will marry women like Kitty.  Kitty, her boss, of course is a tall super skinny flawless woman, who is cold as ice with very little going on upstairs.  Plum’s job is to be the voice of Kitty, she answers letter’s to the editor and does most of her work from home.  She is even offered to cover a plus size fashion show, but would not be allowed to attend the show watching it on Facebook Live instead, while one of the other magazine’s employees would go just to be a face.

Unlike Plum, I have not been heavy my entire life as you know if you’ve read past posts.  I do not know what it’s like to be ostracized by your peers at least where issues of weight are concerned.  I can empathize as I was teased and bullied regarding other things.  If you watch the show the beginning episodes do let you know that Plum is trying to save money for and loose weight before having intended weight loss surgery.  Her one friend and her mother seem to be very against it stated they hear things like it’s dangerous and “can’t you just be happy with what God gave you?”  She also goes to meetings similar to Weight Watchers, except these are called “Waist Watcher” meetings and struggles with health insurance and debt issues due to her medical care.

The reason this show is excellent is that it doesn’t just have to do with fat women, it has to do with all women.  There are a group of women in this show who are about empowerment.  Who want to make those of us who feel oppressed by society and women like Kitty come into ourselves and blossom and have society see us as just as important as the size 2 models and superstar actresses of the world.  This group wants those of us who see ourselves as nothing and nobodies to know that we are somebodies and we are important.

My recommendation is watch the show, read the book know that you are not alone in how you view the world and how the world views you, but do not let it change your decision or your attitude on whether or not surgery is the best option for you.  However you decide to loose your weight, loose it for the sake of it making you healthier on the inside and out.  Loose it for you, not because you mother, sister, brother, husband or best friend wants you to.  Loose it because if you don’t it very well could kill you sooner rather than later.  Loose it because in the long run whether it’s a loss of 5lbs or 500lbs I promise you, you feel all the better for it.  Happy reading everyone until next time!!!

 

Hi everyone! Let’s talk change.  Change is hard and the need to change is sometimes like a swift kick in your ass.  I’ve been beating my ass for years, put myself through diet and exercise plan after diet and exercise plan with very few if any results.  Reflecting on that time maybe I didn’t have enough discipline to make it work or I didn’t care enough about myself to want to look and feel a certain way, but the past is behind me now and we all know we can’t create a new fabulous future if we dwell in the past so I’m not going to.  I recently had my one year follow up surgeons appointment and all blood work was normal, yes I sill take my vitamins and drink my protein shake.  Some of you may be under the impression that once you have this surgery everything will be so fabulous and wonderful and your doc will immediately take you off all your meds and you will live happily ever after.  Not so for everyone.  Prior to surgery I was taking Synthroid for hypothyroid and Losartan for hypertension.  I’m still on the Synthroid which will most likely be addressed when I have a well visit exam and blood work with my primary MD who I have not seen in many months.  I’m also still taking my blood pressure medication.  At least I can say that at this appointment my cardiologist was impressed by my progress.  Plus my blood pressure was the lowest it has ever been in her office she was tempted to cut the medication in half but changed her mind and told me if I had any concerns about my blood pressure or if I just didn’t feel right to call her.  I am now determined as is my surgeon to get me off the blood pressure medication.  Who needs to be 34 on BP meds anyway?  Certainly not me I take enough stuff.  So here’s my plan I am going to take my blood pressure on a more regular basis and record it and after a month or so call my cardiologist with the numbers and ask her what she thinks.  To me this sounds like a good plan.

On the exercise front.  I have recently joined the YMCA, which is a pretty good value for the monthly fee also the people watching is fabulous!  I needed to do more than I was doing.  I’ve always had a tough time with exercise and always made excuses not to but I refuse to not drop the rest of the weight I want to.  And I refuse to allow myself to become a sleeve patient that gains back the weight they lost.  On that note let’s talk some numbers.  I’m sorry I didn’t measure myself prior to my surgery because that’s where the loss is quite noticeable.  But my starting weight pre surgery was 293 lbs which put my BMI at 50.3 which is in the obese category.  I recently weighed in at the cardiologist at 198 which makes my BMI 34.0 which is still in the obese category but it’s such a huge drop in numbers that I don’t even care.  What I do care about is getting to my goal of 140 lbs.  The nutritionist at the surgeons office told me I should pick a more realistic goal so I went with 150 lbs for her, so I suppose I’ll be happy with anything between 140-150.  I have started a routine for my days off which includes going to the gym for at least an hour and I feel much better with the level of activity I’m doing.  I’ve also changed my eating habits significantly and I’m just telling myself that some things I can’t eat because my stomach just won’t tolerate them and some things I shouldn’t eat because they’re awful for you and I just stay away from them.  I’m eating a lot more veggies, beans, and whole grains like quinoa.  I have difficulty at times eating meats like pork and beef because if I don’t cut it up small enough, chew it enough or eat it too quickly they don’t like me.  The nutritionist really wasn’t keen on the idea of eating a mostly plant based diet, but honestly I don’t see the harm in it.  Besides I haven’t cut out meat all together I’ve just cut back on it.  I’m also not doing as much dairy as I was in the early days post surgery.  Anyway that’s the latest update happy reading!

Hi everyone this post is a very exciting one for me, it’s my one year post sleeve-iversary!!!  Yes one year ago on March 8th I went into that OR and came out missing a piece of my stomach, and it was the best thing I every did for myself.  I have struggled for so long and so hard to feel happy in my own skin and to feel beautiful in a world that preaches you must be an emaciated size 2 to be glamorous—this I have of course learned is b.s.!

The picture on the left was me a few years ago probably at my heaviest point which was upwards of 300lbs.  I reached a point where I stopped using the scale and I just didn’t want to face it.  The picture on the right is me now with lots of room in that same dress, hence the sports bra so I don’t flash the ladies at you all! I am still in the low 200s but I am determined to reach my goal weight between 140 and 150.  I don’t have that much to go.

I still have what we’ll call “mechanical” problems, which do cause me to get seriously sick sometimes.  Supposedly I’m either eating too quickly or not chewing enough and food is gettig stuck.  So I am trying to be mindful of how fast I’m eating and how much I’m chewing.  I’ve overcome the “exercise is a chore” flu I’ve had for so long and realize it’s just something I’ve got to do to live a healthy lifestyle.  As for my diet there is no more soda, diet or otherwise; I’ve cut back the bread and I eat next to no pasta, plus I’m for the most part caffeine free.  I also eat very little red meat and stick to mostly chicken and pork ok there’s an occasional fish stick thrown in there.  I’ve just never been a fish person but baked in the oven it isn’t so bad.  I’ve also cut back on eating out.  One, I feel like it’s such a waste since if I don’t share I end up eating it the next day and throwing out the rest and two, I’ve discovered that most of the time my cooking is way better than what I could get when I’m out.  Plus I can portion out just enough and waste very little.

So am I happy that I did this?? Extremely!  Do I think my weight would have come off any other way?? Probably not.  I’ve now bought a few new t-shirts since I look like a bag lady in my old shirts.  I’ve also discovered things in my closet that I bought and maybe never wore bc they were too small, but guess what they fit now!  What can I say i’m excited about the next phase of my journey and thank you all for coming along with me this past year.  And yes I do plan to keep blogging about my continuing weight loss so stay tuned and happy reading!

 

I am coming up on one year post sleeve 🤯, seriously can’t believe that.  There are times I’ve felt as if I haven’t gotten anywhere and then I go to work in the morning and put on the XL scrubs and they fit, and they fit well and of course I think “holy shit!”  It’s definitely the little things in life that just make me 😁.  To go down 3 to 4 sizes in a year never would have happened for me any other way.  And surprisingly I’ve even kept up with using the stairs at work and doing my exercise dvds at home.  I know I made that New Years resolution, like so many others and I really thought it would fall by the wayside but damnit I’m determined to get to my goal weight.

I discussed said goal weight with the nutritionist at the surgeons office.  I told her my goal was 140, I’m short I figured this was a realistic goal.  Apparently, she felt 150 was more doable.  So I’m going to put myself somewhere in the middle, of course right now the damn scale is my biggest enemy as it seems to be stuck.  I am still not under 200lbs which is incredibly frustrating plus I’m on some crazy never ending plateau, at least it seems never ending.  Despite what the scale says I can tell my body has changed dramatically since the sizes of my clothes are getting smaller and everything just fits better.  There is no “I can’t put that in the dryer because then it won’t fit” or let me lay down to put on my jeans dance.  I even pulled a shirt out of mu closet which was bought and never worn or maybe worn once and I remember the arms being a bit tight.  Not now, now this shirt fits perfectly all I need to do is iron it.

I’m still trying to figure out what is triggering me to get sick.  It doesn’t happen often, but just recently after eating of all things an oreo, totally down for the count plus vomited for the first time ever since surgery.  Which afterwards did make me feel so much better.  The doc still thinks it’s a “mechanical” issue, either not chewing enough, eating too fast or taking bites of food which are too big and pieces my be getting stuck.  All I know is when it happens, as I’ve said before, I feel like I’m going to die and wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.  So my total weight loss is around 80lbs so far which is nothing to snicker at and would never have happened had I not done this surgery.  Happy reading until next time.

Normally I’m not one to talk about my political views and many of you are probably going to be like “what the hell does this have to do with having a gastric sleeve?” But it does my friends, it does.  There are so many things I would never be doing had I not had this surgery done and experiencing the march this past Saturday would have been one of them.

A year ago I would never have been able to walk the 5.31 miles tracked by my fitbit on Saturday. Excitement and adrenaline wouldn’t even have kept me going I would have been done when we all got bottle necked and had to wait for hours before we got moving again.  The first 5 minuets standing there I would have been like “ok I’ve seen and experienced enough let’s get the heck outta here.”  Not to mention I never would have been able to squeeze through the barricade to use the restroom in Central Park.

If nothing else I’m proud of myself for partaking in something I never would have considered a year ago.  I’m also proud of the group of women and men I marched with and all those who marched Saturday.  We are all affected by decisions our government makes and we our voices to be heard.

So on day 24 of new year, new me I have spent almost every day doing some kind of exercise—it’s taken me about 2 days to recover from the march, yes I felt every aching muscle! I’ve eliminated a ton of extra sugar and caffeine from my diet, and I’m pretty sure as is the doc that my “I want to die” feeling is most likely caused by my eating too quickly and food getting stuck in a now smaller opening to my stomach.  Not only that, but I definitely notice the changes from exercising every day.  I saw my back end in the mirror the other day and 🤯 is all I have to say.

That is my skinny political activist ass in action—-enjoy the post until next time happy reading!

I’m a little late on the new year post, but I have not let you or myself down on my new year new me challange!  I’m pretty proud of myself, although we’re only in the second week of January.

Today I was “Walking to the Hits” with my girl Leslie Sansone, and walking with the Boston Terrier in the room my Bella littering the place with dog toy stuffing.  So my walk also included lets pick up all the stuffing while trying to walk to the hits.

So this would be day 11 of my new year, new me challange.  The days I worked I used the stairs, because I think I was a little overly ambitious with trying to get a true workout in on the daya I work.  Getting up at 5am getting home at 9-930pm totally wasn’t happened with a workout.  But let me tell you about those damn stairs, they are killer.  Three flights does a body good!

Let’s talk about my diet lately.  I’ve been sick several times this past month, probably with dumping syndrome.  What is that you may ask???  This is the definition right from the Mayo clinic, “Dumping syndrome is a condition that can develop after surgery to remove all or part of your stomach or after surgery to bypass your stomach to help you lose weight. Also called rapid gastric emptying, dumping syndrome occurs when food, especially sugar, moves from your stomach into your small bowel too quickly.”  And did I mention you want to die when this happens.  Actually you feel like you’re dying; cold sweats, nausea, blurry vision, diarrhea the works!  I’m now trying to cut out all the foods that have large amounts of hidden sugar in them and of course cut the carbs because they turn to sugar.  For years I’ve sweetened my coffee with sugar and since I’m not a big fan of artificial sweetener I’ve gone cold turkey with the extra sugar in my coffee/tea.  I also substitute the skim milk I used to use for almond/coconut milk with no added sugar.  I’m still doing at least one protein shake sometimes two a day and a lot of times I use my protein shake like creamer in my coffee, which has mainly been decaf since I had surgery.  Every once in awhile I’ll have a cup of regular, but I can live without it.

My meals have consisted of a lean protein, I’m eating very little red meat these days.  Although I did have filet mignon on New Years Eve and I burned my damn hand on the handle of the frying pan after I took it out of the oven, but it was delicious and worth the pain.  I usually do make some kind of startch/carbs but this is mostly to benefit my significant other and it’s usually mashed or roasted potatoes or a little rice.  And there is always some kind of vegetable.  My protein size is about the size of a deck of cards sometimes a little less and basically I put like a tablespoon of veggies and slightly less carbs/startch on my plate and they don’t all get finished.  Yesterday was homemade meat sauce, and for that I did use meatloaf mix, and zoodles.  And this morning I made an egg is purgatory, which used some leftover meat sauce and a poached egg or and egg over easy goes on top.  Delicious 🤤.

Hope everyone’s new year is off to a fantastic start!  Happy reading 📖!