Firstly let me just say thank you all for your very encouraging comments I really appreciate them and you all for supporting me. There is definitely an inner loneliness factor that comes from doing this that maybe I didn’t expect. And the psychologist that came to speak at the support group was definitely right when he said that this surgery is not going to fix the problems you had before it. If your relationship had issues before you’ll still have issues after; if you were lost before you’ll still be lost after; if your family life was only so so before it will still be the same after.
There’s a difficulty in being home constantly with only your thoughts to occupy you. You can excercise, walk the dog, craft your thoughts are still screaming away in your head. For me I’ve been grasping at straws to try to keep a relationship going that just isn’t working. I’m a nurse outside my relationship I’m tired of doing it in my relationship as well.
So these thoughts…you’re going to do a lot of thinking–I have trying to think back to when I knew exactly who I was and where I wanted to go in life; trying not to regret the possible missed opportunities that could have made my life up to this point so very different. This isn’t just about I went to a surgeon had a consult he cut away a part of my stomach and now I’m good to go. Hell no! This is a search and find mission–may even be a search and rescue mission who knows I haven’t figured it out yet.
I have pictures of the way I used to look a thinner, healthier version of myself at least physically. Mentally I was probably all over the place just like I am now. I probably mentioned I have always had a love hate relationship with food which probably partially got me to where I am now. Listening to boys and family and sometimes friends telling me I’m fine the way I am but I’d look so much better or hotter if I just lost 10 more lbs. It’s on my mind a lot these days the past and how it’s all led up to this. I chose to do this because I want to be healthy, but the little devil with the halo on wants to say hey look at me what do you think now??? Of course I’m nowhere near where I want to be weight wise because that will of course take time, but one can dream.
This surgery has caused a lot of soul searching whether I was prepared for it or not. If you aren’t ready to dig inside yourself and find out things you may not have wanted to know, then don’t have this surgery because for me it’s taken me on a wild ride so far and at times I’d like to hit the freaking breaks. I’ve come to terms with my former binge/fast eating habbits, the loss of those I’ve loved in the past, and the toxic people I probably shouldn’t be around.
At times I feel I’m too old for this sould searching who am I what to do I want to be crap. I’m really not. You’re never too old to find yourself, the only part about that is you have to admit that you were lost in the first place and I most definitely was before I ventured into having this surgery. So I suppose I should be saying let the adventure begin because I guess that’s what life is afterall an adventure…happy reading!
you can absolutely handle this. you’re a completely motivatednand stong minded person who is able to see the longterm benefits of this.! its absolutely time to work on you and during a major sx like this its will absolutely cause a great deal of strength which u have! and you will get to see the light as the end of the tunnel and that light isnt a train!!! you’re incredibly strong and you need to focus on YOU! let me know what i can help with if anything!!!!! keep it up!!!
Thanks–you’re sure it’s not a train ?
Time alone is always a reflective time. When I feel that I should have done better or more with myself I remember this quote “Success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life but as by the obstacles which he has overcome” Booker T. Washington.
Keep the faith and remember you are loved.
That is a wonderful quote and very true–I’ll have to remember it and keep it in mind whenever I start feeling blah and reflective.